Hope in the desert

Coronavirus and Jesus

Getting what I asked for…just a reflection

I don’t have an answer for many things, in fact, just when I think I have an answer I’m reminded through scripture that just because I thought it was going to be one way, it ends up a whole different way than I thought.  Please know that in no way am I asking for the virus, or that anyone else get the virus, but in the midst of all of this chaos I’m sharing my conversation and thoughts that I’ve shared with Jesus, with you.

Back in November, I went into the desert; like the actual desert in Arizona.  I felt like it was where the Lord was leading me in order for me to grow in my self awareness, my dependency on him, and my healing.  While I was preparing to leave, one of my many questions to Jesus was, how am I going to get through the day without you? You see, in my Catholic faith, I have the opportunity to go to Mass every day if I wanted to, and I do, because I want to; I want to be physically close with him, I want to see him, I want to talk with him.  I didn’t understand how going into the desert and not having (weekday) Mass was actually going to help my relationship with him, but it was in the desert that my relationship grew, mostly my dependence on him and my awareness of him constantly with me as he promises ‘I am with you always’.

The last six months of my life has been learning to ride the waves of life, learning how to breathe again, and walking in bravery each step of the way.  Most days it seems like I’m breathing underwater as I navigate this new life, but if there’s something the Lord continues to say it’s ‘I am here, Jess.’  You see I’ve been saying, I just need more time, I just want to breathe, I can do this self care thing if only I had this, if only I had that, if only I had the time to rest, eat well, exercise, be with friends - if only I had the time to ______ (you fill in the blank with the desired activity).  

Like many others, the COVID-19 brought a huge wave of anxiety and fear into my life. As the world comes to a halt I received a call that halted my world - something was wrong with my dad and I needed to get home right away.  I had a 7hr drive to get to where they were, which provides a lot of time and space for thinking, for singing, for processing.  It was then that I was hit with, “Jesus, what if this is the time we ALL continuously ask for.  What if this is the SPACE we need to distance ourselves in order to RECONNECT ourselves?”  It doesn’t look like the TIME OR SPACE that anyone would’ve imagined, but it’s here and it is now.  

Kids are out of school physically, but they’ve been launched into the school of love within their families - can we find the time to sit down and read with them (NO SMALL FEAT, trust me I sat down with the 9 y/o nephew on a sunny day to read, let’s just say I wasn’t his favorite)?  We’re worried about how to telecommute and in doing that what do I do for work, what does 8 hrs look like.  We’re worried, some of us honestly for the first time, about not going to Mass and receiving Jesus in the Eucharist, but every day we have an opportunity to receive him in our hearts through spiritual communion and yet fail to recognize him or pause long enough to.  Some of us may be worried where our next meal is coming from or where rent is coming from, can we humble ourselves to ask for help, because there are so many who want to help.

I, too am worried, and extremely sad, to not be able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist - but when I walked into the doctor’s office yesterday and passed a man on the bench without saying a word, my heart broke.  I realized I had just walked by like everyone else in his life.  Eddie, had been sitting on a bench waiting for someone to pick him up; for someone to celebrate his life, to see him, to know him (if only for a moment), and to celebrate the good news he’d just gotten from the doctor.  My mom almost slapped my hand when I shook his hand, because social distancing - which I’m not against, but tbh in that moment I completely forgot.  I saw this human, this man sitting there longing for love, and I thought how much I wanted him to be touched by Christ, to be held by Jesus, to know that no matter what he looks like or who he is, Jesus loves him and wants him.  Life is still moving along as the world comes screeching to a halt, but as we pivot into slow or no motion, are we paying attention?

So what if our TIME is now? And what if our SPACE is now? To reclaim all we wanted if only we had the time and if only we had the space. While I was in Arizona, it was the darkest (literally and figuratively) place I’ve been, and yet looking at the Catalina mountains it was the place my soul was able to sing “it is well”, it was the place where I felt most held, it was the place where God reached into my darkness and proved that He was there, He is here, and He will be with us always.

So you see, Jesus and I have been talking, and he’s showing me that I don’t have all the answers, but I can do the next right thing.  I can distance myself physically, but I can reach out via FaceTime, Zoom, or any other technology source.  I can ask for things like time and when it comes up be ok that it looks differently then I thought it would.   I can set boundaries and learn new boundaries.  I can adapt and overcome without compromising who I am or who he is, and so can you.  

May we find peace and healing in the great time of anxiety and chaos, and may we be the peace and healing others need to see in the world.  It was going to dad’s appointments (dad’s going to be ok), that I met Eddie.  It was reading with my nephew that I found he needed tenderness (not condemnation for being distracted), and more specifically I found my desire for others to be merciful with me in my finite abilities.  It is the desert that has reminded me of the capacity for beauty and for love.

Be still, be still and know that He is God and He is here.