Judas or Peter

Many of us are familiar with the Passion of Christ, in fact, I'm sure you've been told to choose a character and walk through the Passion in the eyes of that character.  I challenged my teens to do that this year, to choose a character and reflect on how they were feeling, what they were doing, what you would've done differently, how could you relate to them?  I took my own advice, which I unfortunately don't do enough, and chose a character.  I've done this before and I've chosen Mary Magdalene because I'm a sinful woman and thought I would have the most in common with her.  This year I thought it would be interesting to pick a different character in the Passion, as I believe that we can find similarities in each within ourselves.

This year I chose Judas.  It was a couple weeks ago when we were talking about this and I'm not sure why Judas was the one I chose, but I knew I felt as if God was pointing me towards him.  A couple nights ago I was watching the Passion Live on Fox (a modern day depiction of the Passion of Christ) and Judas' part came up, he sang a song called Demons.

That's when I saw it in Daughtry's eyes; despair, doubt, darkness.  He sang about it, and for the first time in a while I realized the darkness still in my heart.  We all have darkness within us, and we will until we pass from this earth, but it's what we do with that darkness that matters.  We have a choice, we always have a choice. Judas chose to betray Christ, every time we sin we choose to betray Christ.  Darkness has the ability to swallow us, except it doesn't happen all at once, but usually little by little.  Judas traveled with Christ for 3 years, he had light surrounding him, yet he couldn't fathom asking for help, he couldn't humble himself to know that in his brokenness Christ is working.  

If you're anything like me, I often got into spats of trouble.  When I did I remember trying to figure a way out of it (or to correct my wrongs) before the adults found out.  The older I got the harder it became to get myself out of trouble.  As I ponder Judas' feelings and reflections, I can sense the overwhelming feeling of being alone, of isolation; the thought that I'm just too far, I've done too much, or I can't forgive myself how could anyone forgive me. "All God needs to forgive you in the invitation, and we can extend it at any time" (Mark Hart).

You see it is not God who condemns us, it is ourselves; we have to learn to let go.  Christ tells us to love as he loves, this begins with loving ourselves.  We can't give what we don't have, and we can't forgive others if we don't learn to first forgive ourselves; to acknowledge our shortcomings, to acknowledge our weaknesses, and to realize that we can't do life on our own, and we don't have to!  This Easter I pray you realize the love Christ has for you, whether Gentile or Jew, Catholic or non believer, Judas or Peter, Christ didn't just die for those who believe in Him, he DIED for all!  The difference between Judas' betrayal and Peter's denial is that Peter recognized that he needed a Savior, may all of us Judas' realize we need a savior! May God's love and peace reign in your heart, may you surrender everything knowing that he will always give you so much more! 

                        

--Live Love--

I love you this much

I ran across this picture this morning as I scrolled through my news feed; finally someone had articulated that which I could not.  How do you articulate God's love to those around you, to the most important people in your life, or to the least?  I have this incredible responsibility of passing the Catholic faith onto hundreds of youth and their families, but how do you pass on something so vast, yet so simple?  Theodore Roosevelt once said "People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." Everyone has an innate desire to be known and to be loved, a God-shaped hole inside of them.  

We are called to love people exactly how they are; however, I think we fall short of love.  We like people how they are (or not), we accept people how they are (even if it's less then their best), we tolerate people (sometimes), but when are we loving them?  We are called to love people exactly how they are, but too much to let them stay that way.  We are called to love as Christ loves right?  Well this is how he loves us, exactly how we are, but too much to let us stay that way.  We aren't perfect, but Christ is loving us into perfection, into the person God has called us to be.  If we truly love as Christ does, the way we're called to love, we must start loving people the same way.   We must challenge them to speak the truth always, we must walk beside them through the hard times, we must encourage them to spend time with the Lord, and mostly we must love them; not the fluffy, my heart is floating love, but the hanging onto the cross with splinters in my face love.  It's time to start taking a stand for Christ, for looking to our neighbor whom we see every day and walking with that person, caring for that person, and when the time is right sharing your knowledge with that person.  You may be the only bible someone ever reads, when they look at your life what do they see?  Do they see a "christian" who's luke warm like the rest of society, do they see an ice cold heart that is too shattered to do this on their own, or do they see a fire-breathing lion ready to love fiercly, compassionately, and loyally.  

Christ walked on earth, walked with his Mother, with his disciples, with his people.  He loved generously, mercifully, and humbly; constantly challenging people to walk with him, to follow him so that they may see the Father.  He could have came down as a 33 year old man, die on a cross, and rise again, yet he came down as a child, he cared for people, and when the time was right he shared his knowledge with those same people.  The final weeks of Lent are quickly upon us, and as we prepare to enter into Jerusalem with Jesus, where will you be during the Passion?  You see as Catholics we often hear questions of "why do you wear crucifixes" or "why is Jesus still on the cross when he rose on Easter morning?" The answer is simple, the crucifix is a the greatest symbol of love, Jesus' crucifixation is the greatest act of love. an act that we are all called to as we are all called to love!  

This is my favorite Crucifix that I have encountered.  It's located at St. Mark's in Wilmington, NC.  I'll never forget the moment I walked into the church, I was overwhelmed by tears and God saying

  I love you this much.

"I love you this much
I'm waitin' on you
To make up your mind, do you love me too
However long it takes I'm never givin' up
No matter what I love you this much" --Jimmy Wayne

--Live Love--

What's your word?

God is love.  A phrase I hear all the time, a phrase I often tell my teens, a phrase that I will never grow old of hearing.  It’s one of my favorite bible verses, 1 John 4:8, because it precedes my favorite one, 1 John 4:18.  Today, though, it’s followed by the Gospel of Mark when Jesus feeds over 5,000 people. 

A new year often brings reflection and discernment, looking back over the last year and looking forward to where God is calling me to this year.  2015 was an adventure to say the least, as with any year there were joys and sorrows, but as I sneak up on turning 30 there was also a lot of introspection.  What do I want? Am I where I’m supposed to be? Does my life have meaning? I spent New Year’s Eve in a way I never have before, in bed by 10:30pm, I know crazy right?  I spent the last hour I was awake though in my prayer closet.  I wanted to leave everything that was holding me back right there at the foot of the cross, everything that made me lesser than God envisions me. 

You see I have a fear of inadequacy, I carry many doubts, I often run when I should stay, I’m constantly on the go, because I’m scared to face the silence, the loneliness, the solitude.  But if there is one thing that I realized over Christmas break, it’s that I am TIRED.  Tired of running, tired of alienating myself because I fear that if people truly knew me they’d go running, tired of carrying the weight of doubt; and tired of being tired!  I’ve lived my personal life, privately, instead of sharing it with those I most care about.  Those days are over.  I left them in 2015.   I want to live a life of transparency.  “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18

I shouldn’t have to fear anything because I want to live a life of love.  I was reading a blog yesterday (@intheheartofmyhome), and the author was talking about a word for 2016; a focal point to encourage you, to challenge you, to move you, and to bring you peace when starting and ending each day.  I thought ‘what a fantastic idea’ so I spent the good part of yesterday praying for the right word.  I stumbled across ravish, because I want God’s love to ravish my heart, but that wasn’t it.  I wrote down desire, because I realized that I desire love as a response to the desire that God planted in my heart, but that wasn’t quite it either.  Beloved, good, but didn’t feel right.  Remain, because if I remain in him then I will bear much fruit, but something said to keep looking.  I stumbled across it later in the day, in a conversation with someone, and a light bulb went on, this is it, abundance. 

Abundance: a very large quantity of something, plentifulness of good things in life, prosperity.  Jesus tells us in John 10:10 “A thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy; I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly”  You see God doesn’t want me to be in fear, he doesn’t want me to live only ¾ of my life, he wishes to give me abundant life.  He promises to, but first we must choose it, we must open our eyes and see that his plan is always at work in our life, especially when we least expect it!

This year, I will expect it.  I will strive to surrender so that I too may have an abundant life.  2016 brings me hope, a renewed hope that God is love, and looking at the Gospel of Mark today he shows us how much he can do with so little.  Here’s my mustard seed Lord, let your will be done!  Thank you @elizabethfoss for encouraging me to find my word!  What word is God giving you this year?

--Live Love--

Cross-Fit or Crossfit

My life is a constant cross, whether it is church or Crossfit, the cross is always present.  As I’ve discerned how to write this blog I never knew how to do it justice.  The funny thing is Christ calls us to live out the cross, to love God and to love neighbor, one doesn’t work without the other; so why should my life be any different.  My hopes in this article is that you realize the things that matter in our life often carry the same characteristics to be successful; perseverance, determination, failure, and action.

Crossfit is something I found when I returned back to NC, and as a life-long athlete, I fell in love instantly.  I wanted to be great at everything right away.  If you know anything about athletics though, you know that instantaneous results do not happen!  You have your strengths, like I can lift heavy weights, and you have your weaknesses, like handstand pushups and pull-ups (in Crossfit language gymnastics moves).  Gymnastics moves for a piggy like me (a familial term we use lovinglyJ) are a bust! I can move heavy weights because I’m thick, but bodyweight exercises for me are like moving frozen molasses, it takes a WHILE!

My Catholic faith has a similar story, except the timeline is a bit longer.  I was born Catholic, went to Mass and CCD every weekend growing up, received the sacraments, yet was missing a key component, the relationship part.  I had half a plank to the cross, love others part.  It was easy for me to love others, as long as they weren’t the piggies aka my sisters.  I loved God, but mostly felt like I loved him because it was the right thing to do, not because I was in love with him.  I had a little cross I guess you can say, half a plank either way.  When I was about 23, this all changed.  I continued to go to Mass, but I searched for more.  I desired to be in love, and I was in love with a lot of the wrong things; boys, feelings, partying.  I was knocked down, dirty, and guilty, when God asked me if I was done yet? I’m Irish/Italian American so naturally it took me a while to realize, my life is meant for more.  If you are or have struggled with your faith, you know that it, too, does NOT happen over night! 

The beach has always been the place for me to find peace, to look out into the ocean and know that no matter what was happening in life, God is bigger.  I went to the beach the other day, sat back and was in awe of God’s creation.  I wanted to capture it, in my mind, with a picture, anything to sum up God’s love for me.  When my mom came down I asked her to take a picture, we took like 100, of me doing a handstand, a freestanding piggy upside down!  The sun was setting behind me, the ocean beautiful as always, and me upside down, doing something it took months to master, and in 5 long seconds (or minutes), we captured it, cross-fit or Crossfit. 

You see God wants to be present in everything with you; he wants to be in love with you.  Anyone who has been in love knows that love never fails; we often do, we fail, but it’s not the failure that defines us, it’s what you do after, and that’s CHARACTER.  Perseverance is getting up when everyone is counting you out, determination is telling you to get up, and action is what you do every day when you pursue greatness.  Greatness looks differently for everyone, cross-fit or Crossfit (though I may never compete in the games), my greatness comes from glorifying God through it all.  

--Live Love--

*do not own any rights to Crossfit (I am a Level 1 Trainer)

Our Greatest Task

Another early morning at the gym and an interesting conversation sparked my heart so deep that I feel the need to share.  As a woman, I struggle with self-everything; esteem, body image, worth, dignity.  The list can go on and on and it did, until I realized that all of these things cannot be filled or taken away by anyone, including myself.  They were given to me by my creater out of love, for love.  He created women with what some call feminine genius.  Me, a genius, I don't think so, but God, he does.  He created us as helpers, as complimentary to men, to fulfill a specific purpose; to help lead each other to HEAVEN.

With that being said, ladies can we please start living this way?  Can we reclaim our dignity and worth that we continue to throw away to the lowest bidder (ourselves included)?  A simple man by the name of Karol Wojtyla said these profound words, "The task of every MAN is the dignity of every WOMAN, and the task of EVERY woman is the dignity of EVERY man". wow. 

This starts with how you see yourself, how you talk to yourself, how you treat yourself, and it carries into how you dress, how you speak to others, and the relationships that you have.  As women we need to reclaim our feminity, our true strength.  I don't need a man to pick something up for me, heck I just front squatted 200 lbs, I think I can pick it up myself thank you; however, I would like a man to open the door.  I don't need him to pay, I have my own jobs and have been on my own for a long time, but I would like for him too.  I don't need him to take me to church, I can drive, but he better be taking his tail too!  It's not a need that I have, it's a desire.  It's a desire to grow in holiness with another person, to have a running partner along this faith journey towards our final destination.  It's a desire for friendships that hold me accountable to the big guy upstairs, not the guy sitting across the room or the table from me.  It's a desire for women to flourish in their feminine genius and for the men of God to rise up and lead us.  

SO I challenge you today, no matter where you've been, what you've done, how good you are, or how much you've thrown your dignity to the wind, RECLAIM IT!  You don't have to earn it , you don't have to buy it back, you don't have to go searching for it, you simply need to identify that it is yours.  PROTECT it.  Become a man or woman who fights for truth and leads others to the truth.  We spend so much time trying to build walls thinking that we are protecting ourselves, but in reality we are really imprisoning oursevles.  In protection, we become transparent.  Your transparency will create a vulnerability that will encourage others to be vulnerable too and it's in that vulnerability that we can most grow with one another!  

Lastly, build holy friendships.  Men and women can and should be friends, holy friends; friends that want the other person to become the best version of themselves, friends that want others to be cruising into heaven with them.  It's no good for us to be alone, so surround yourself with those who will lift you up.

 "The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves.  The resolution not to twist them to fit our own image.  If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them" --Thomas Merton

--Live Love--

Breathe, just breathe.

Lately, I find myself gasping for air.  I have this uncanny ability to bury myself in work, in serving others, in traveling, in staying so busy that eating and sleeping are something that I do because I have to, instead of because I actually enjoy both of these activities. I turned on the radio the other day (shocker I know) and this song literally took my breath away.  I found myself breathing hard, like I just came up for air out of the ocean.  Many times we as humans tend to think that we have to do everything, be everywhere, love everyone, and say yes to every opportunity to do something. Breathe. Just BREATHE.  I challenge you to take a deep breath, one where you can smell what's around you; the fresh cut grass, the dew in the early morning, the smog in the air, the stuffiness of the office cubicle.  What comes to mind? Are you thankful to be breathing or are you not paying attention to the small details?

When we get consumed by our life, we lose sight of what's most important, we lose why we're even here in the first place.  Something as simple as breathing becomes difficult or it becomes a chore.  We forget to cherish it.  Ask a lung patient who struggles to breathe how much they appreciate air.  Ask a new mother how much they appreciate 5 minutes of silence to simply breathe between nursing and diaper changes.  There's this great quote I saw somewhere that says "When you want to be successful as much as you want to breathe, you will be successful".  But what if your success is the reason you can't breathe?  What if you're working so hard, pursuing that endless goal of financial freedom or vacations or the next best thing that your breath is vanishing as fast as it appears?

As I found myself gasping for air, I realized that I was running around like a madwoman because I was scared of the silence, of being still.  I don't want to miss a thing, I want to be present to everyone, I want to do God's will, I want to help people, I want to share with them this simple truth "You are loved".  In Luke 10:20 is says rejoice for your name is written in Heaven!  EXHALE!  My name is written in Heaven; that means all this working, this battling, this breathing without reason or purpose, or giving more of myself than I can physically handle is for who?  I realized that it was for me.  As much as I wanted it to be about others, about God, it was for me.  I often tell people you can't give what you don't have, but my gosh how often do we TRY!? 

So once again, I've surrendered!  I'm throwing in the towel, of what I know and taking the advice of a great movie I just watched (War Room); I'm going to God to create my battle plan.  I will slow down to take a deep breath every day, to appreciate the people around me, and to allow God to love me so that I may love others. We are called to be a light in this world of darkness, how can you become God's light in someone's darkness today?  My prayer for you is that you know how loved you are, not because of something you've done or will do, not because you got all the things on your list done or you exceeded that list, but because you are you!  How freeing is that?  You are loved!  May you take a deep breath and accept the reality of that statement.

Every now and then God allows us a glimpse of himself, won't you be that glimpse for someone else?!

--LIve Jesus--

Live in Love

I remember these days as if it were yesterday, waiting for the subway in the snow, in the rain; boarding a train at 4:30am for the hour or so hike to downtown Manhattan from the second to last stop in the Bronx.  Long hours, long days, running through a city where the whole city is moving at a 100 mph and if you're not paying attention it would be very easy to get lost or swallowed up.  I remember standing on the platform asking myself 'what am I doing with my life?' and 'would anyone even notice if I didn't show up?'.  I quickly figured out that people don't make it in NYC because they can't make enough money; my theory is people don't make it in NYC because they can't develop meaningful relationships with other people on more than a superficial level.  Sure they can meet the same people at happy hour, or with their running club, or at a business party, but are they actually going into conversations deeper then work or the gym?  Then I realized, it's not only NYC that has this problem, it's everywhere.

We're humans, we desire from the depths of our hearts to be in relationship with others.  We desire to be fully known, to be fully loved.  We feel empty because we build walls up to keep people out and we end up imprisoning ourselves.  We get so comfortable with casual conversation because we don't want to conflict with someone on our beliefs or fear the unkown.  We're not confident in who we are and we forget whose we are.  My question to you, is how can you know who you are if you don't know whose you are?  

It took me a while to figure this one out.  To figure out that I am not defined by what others think, or feel, or know about me; I'm not defined by my weight, or my beauty, or my intelligence.  My dignity depends on nothing I say or do, my worth cannot increase or decrease; the love I ache for cannot be bought and will not be lost.  God has created me perfect in his image, I am fearfully and wonderfully made with a mission that only I have (you too have this). I was made with love, for love; "You are fully known by the author of space and time" (JJ Heller).

How awesome it that?  Overflowing with peace and joy, I can fulfill my mission in this world when I recognize that.  I can be exactly what God wants me to be because I know that with him all things are possible.  A friend of mine recently said, being content is peaceful and priceless.  Every day is a battle for me, a complete surrender of the things I want to tell myself to the things God wants me to hear.  Each day I wake up and have to remind myself today is the day God will shine through you, that his love will radiate through you because you've finally accepted it!

You too, my friends, are fully known and fully loved.  What is holding you back? What doubts, fears, questions, struggles do you need to let go of?  That ache in your heart, that love you desire the content heart is within reach.  Today give yourself permission to believe that!! Dream BIG, God is BIGGER!

--Live Jesus--